Monday, March 2, 2009

I wish I could tell you this...

Grief is getting the best of me this week. Taegan and I have both been sick and I really needed some momma lovin this week. Apparently, Jason hasn't gotten to the part in the "The Love Dare" where he is supposed to take care of his sick wife (without wanting something in return). I wrote these to make me feel better, read them if you want, or if not, please just say a little prayer for me to have strength and peace this week.

Mom,
It's been almost a year since you've been gone. I still think about you every day. I miss you so much sometimes it feels like my heart has been stolen from my body. You left me so quickly, I didn't have a chance to tell you goodbye. But, I know your body was tired and you were ready to go Home.

I am thankful you didn't have to suffer anymore than you did, but I still need you! I know that's selfish but I wanted you to see Cohen and Taegan grow up the way you saw your other grandchildren grow up. You would be so proud of them. Cohen is 5 already and has started t-ball. It makes me so sad you'll never see him play. I look at Taegan's big blue eyes and I see you. She still remembers you painting her fingernails when she stayed with you. She's quite the little princess.

I wish I had asked you more questions and I wish I had listened more when you gave me advice. I made so many mistakes growing up and I'm so sorry I wasn't a better daughter. If I could take back every second of worry that I caused you, I would. I think you would be proud of me this past year though. I have grown up a lot! I am trying to live my life like God wants me to and my faith has kept me sane. I try very hard to be a good person in general and especially a good wife and mother. Losing you made me think very hard about what kind of legacy I would leave and what people would say about me when I am gone. So many people honored you after you were gone. I can only hope that you felt that love while you were still with us.

You were the glue that kept our family together and now that you are gone we are slowly falling apart. Sunday dinners are gone and the holidays were just not the same. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take you from His Throne if I could, but I just wish I could at least relay a message or eighty to you every now and again. So, until I see you again, I love you and I will keep your memory alive and pass the love you gave to me to my kids.
Your Baby Girl
Karri


Jr.,
Why did you go? I'm so angry at you! You left me when I needed you most. I had not even processed the thought of losing mom, and then you were gone. Why did you call ME that day? Why did I have to find you? Did you mean for me to find you that way? Having to do CPR on you still haunts me. I can't get that image of you out of my head. I know you missed mom more than life itself, but could you not stay for me, for Cohen, and for Taegan. I might not have had your DNA, but you were my dad. You got your life right a long time ago and I grew outta my bratty teenage years, we were as close as any father and daughter. Why did my love not out weigh losing momma? I still wait to hear your voice on the other end of the phone. I still expect you to come drivin up in your truck to see the kids, but your not there and your not coming. What do I do with that? Cohen still ask about you all the time. He misses you! We all do! My heart was already broken and losing you too just about drove me over the edge of insanity. But, watching you mourn mom was harder than dealing with my own grief. I don't know how or why, but I know you are with mom now and that's exactly where you always wanted to be. Your side of family sure is making things hard on us girls right now, so if you or God can, can you please send them a signal to layoff! I love you, keep taking good care of mom, and I'll see you one day soon.
Your Daughter Now and Forever
Karri

9 comments:

K. Tilley said...

can't believe it's been almost 6 years since my dad went home. I still miss him so much so I know how you feel. Hope God wraps His big ol arms around you this week! Love ya and praying for ya!

Deedra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Carrie said...

Karri,
I think of you often and say a prayer for you. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace.

Shaunta said...

I haven't been through all that you have, but I do know that it is tough. There are days when I just want to cry because Granny never got to see Clayton, and other days when I want to scream because she couldn't hang on just a few more weeks. We will never understand why things happen the way they do until we get to Heaven ourselves, but it will be a wonderful reunion there! Praying for you! Love ya!

Leigh Anne said...

Sweet Karri,
Writing those letters may be a real start in healing. Our thoughts are much more real when we write them down. I know you will never quit missing them, but may God give you peace in dealing with their loss.

Jen said...

oh my sweet darling..... I love you and I know that there is nothing I can do to help what you are feeling except to pray. I do know that God feels ever pain you have each and every second. I know that your are so special to him. He weeps with you my sweet friend, but he also rejoices with you. I will be praying for comfort and peace. My mom loves you more than you will ever know and will always be there if you ever need her! I know I am just a friend but I will always be just a phone call away. I know my hugs aren't the same, but I can give a good one girl!!!! I love you my sweet friend.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE YOU, and I know how much you loved your parents. They were two of the most wonderful people I have ever known. You are wonderful also and have become one of my very best friends. I know how proud they would be of you and Jason and what terrific parents you are to Cohen and Taegan. Can't wait until the retreat and we get to have some girl time.

Tammy

Anonymous said...

I LOVE YOU!!! I couldn't possibly imagine going through what you have. You are such a Strong women and I admire you so much! "God, comfort my friend in her time of sorrow. Hold her tight in your loving arms. Bless her home and keep them safe. IN Jesus Name I Pray, Amen."

Jenny

Deb said...

I am thrilled that God brought you into our lives. I think you are one of the most precious people that I have ever met and admire your strength. God will use what you have gone through over the past year to strengthen your sisters in Christ. Nothing is in vain unless we let satan get a victory. You are a warrior and he will be sorry he messed with you. I love you, precious friend.