Grief is getting the best of me this week. Taegan and I have both been sick and I really needed some momma lovin this week. Apparently, Jason hasn't gotten to the part in the "The Love Dare" where he is supposed to take care of his sick wife (without wanting something in return). I wrote these to make me feel better, read them if you want, or if not, please just say a little prayer for me to have strength and peace this week.
It's been almost a year since you've been gone. I still think about you every day. I miss you so much sometimes it feels like my heart has been stolen from my body. You left me so quickly, I didn't have a chance to tell you goodbye. But, I know your body was tired and you were ready to go Home.
I am thankful you didn't have to suffer anymore than you did, but I still need you! I know that's selfish but I wanted you to see Cohen and Taegan grow up the way you saw your other grandchildren grow up. You would be so proud of them. Cohen is 5 already and has started t-ball. It makes me so sad you'll never see him play. I look at Taegan's big blue eyes and I see you. She still remembers you painting her fingernails when she stayed with you. She's quite the little princess.
I wish I had asked you more questions and I wish I had listened more when you gave me advice. I made so many mistakes growing up and I'm so sorry I wasn't a better daughter. If I could take back every second of worry that I caused you, I would. I think you would be proud of me this past year though. I have grown up a lot! I am trying to live my life like God wants me to and my faith has kept me sane. I try very hard to be a good person in general and especially a good wife and mother. Losing you made me think very hard about what kind of legacy I would leave and what people would say about me when I am gone. So many people honored you after you were gone. I can only hope that you felt that love while you were still with us.
You were the glue that kept our family together and now that you are gone we are slowly falling apart. Sunday dinners are gone and the holidays were just not the same. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take you from His Throne if I could, but I just wish I could at least relay a message or eighty to you every now and again. So, until I see you again, I love you and I will keep your memory alive and pass the love you gave to me to my kids.
Your Baby Girl
Why did you go? I'm so angry at you! You left me when I needed you most. I had not even processed the thought of losing mom, and then you were gone. Why did you call ME that day? Why did I have to find you? Did you mean for me to find you that way? Having to do CPR on you still haunts me. I can't get that image of you out of my head. I know you missed mom more than life itself, but could you not stay for me, for Cohen, and for Taegan. I might not have had your DNA, but you were my dad. You got your life right a long time ago and I grew outta my bratty teenage years, we were as close as any father and daughter. Why did my love not out weigh losing momma? I still wait to hear your voice on the other end of the phone. I still expect you to come drivin up in your truck to see the kids, but your not there and your not coming. What do I do with that? Cohen still ask about you all the time. He misses you! We all do! My heart was already broken and losing you too just about drove me over the edge of insanity. But, watching you mourn mom was harder than dealing with my own grief. I don't know how or why, but I know you are with mom now and that's exactly where you always wanted to be. Your side of family sure is making things hard on us girls right now, so if you or God can, can you please send them a signal to layoff! I love you, keep taking good care of mom, and I'll see you one day soon.
Your Daughter Now and Forever